Serenity is not a permanent state – truly not:)

A lot of people who know me, would describe me as a patient and calm person. And, for the most part I am. I have been tried to my patience many times, and I have handled it quite well. Other times, beyond embarrassment.

Shortly after losing my younger brother suddenly and traumatically, I had a deep conversation with a women who had recently lost her sister. She was still in a deep state of grief, but in the midst of this, she managed to say that she had a more relaxed and positive outlook on life now. After experiencing something so profound, she could not bother getting upset or annoyed with little details in her life anymore. Those details meant nothing anymore, and if she knew that she could deal with the death of her sister, she could deal with anything. 

I was amazed, hearing her story. Yes, once in a while, I could also get the same feeling that she does. And, I often say, still to this day “worse things have happened” when something is up. But, truth be told, I could also go frantic about something like a parking ticket or a lost train, because I just had no energy to deal with these little details (that became large in my head) in addition to the severeness of the grief.

My behavior the other day, reflected my illness for the past couple of weeks (and also the more chronic the past 8 years), I am sure, but nonetheless quite embarrassing.

I had recently bough a mac, because my old computer does not cut it, and I have been using my iPad, which is just full to the brim now. I got the wrong one, so I had to return it to the store to get the right one. My hubby’s pc drowned in his beach bag last summer. I needed to prepare for an important speech, and when my beloved iPad keyboard suddenly stopped working and the charger fell apart as I put it in to charge it, I went a bit nuts. I used words my mom would be ashamed of. I wanted to throw the iPad out the window, but gladly I did not. My husband, half asleep after a long day, looked at me with a surprised look, mumbling something about him not recognizing this person beside him. He laughed a bit and then started snoring. Which, of course, pissed me off more. 

Until I took a breath, looked at myself and my own actions. mI realized that my husband was right in laughing at me (although he was half asleep and did not remember this conversation (and I am being very nice to myself when I call it a conversation), because I behaved like a child. A child whom of which somebody had stolen and ruined their toy.

Everyday I try to be mindful of my own reactions. It does not mean I will not react stupidly sometimes, but it means I can stop, breathe, and wonder what is happening to me. It means I can reflect around it after. And, it means that I find other ways of reacting that are much more fruitful in the end.

I am working on it – but hey, I am just human!

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Does anybody recognize themselves?

Love, S

On my wishlist

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As mentioned in my last post,
this cool structured and assymetric peplum is on my wish list

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But, for 422 euros at Net-a-porter, it will be a mere dream.

A good alternative is this grey one from Nelly (adlink)

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Nelly also has some great items on sale right now:
(adlinks)

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Pink Coat
Clara Sweatshirt
Knit striped skirt
white v-top
Buckled ancle boots
Blue shirt dress
Grey leather ancle boots

Black and white in a colourful environment

One of my friends was celebrating her birthday last night. She is such a wonderfully vibrant and cheerful person, you can not help but smile and laugh while being with her.

My outfit, though, was quite toned down. Pinstriped pants (my sister’s old), wool and sequin swetar from Moschino, cluth from Michael Kors and a vintage jacket from Thierry Mugler. I just love, love, love structured jacket and tops.

I have been experimenting with my make-up. The past week I went to a make-up event in Oslo, and learned more about contouring. I will post more on it later, since the pics ended up on my new Mac, which I have to return because I got the wrong model at the store.

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If I could, I would purchase this wonderful structured top from Joanthan Simkhai/Net-a-porter. It is so awesome. But 422 euros – don’t think so:)

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Fragility before my morning coffee

I am fragile today. I take to heart what other people might think of me.
That is something I try to work on every day, to not make that influence me, because it does not serve me well. I do want to listen to others opinions, but I do not want to accommodate those opinions to a point where I stop being who I am, and stop being happy about who I am.

There are ongoing dicussions here about politics and that it might be, and should, be harder to live on disability benefits. The new government’s argument is that it might encourage people to work more, and discourage the ones who are really not entitled to disability benefits.
I strongly disagree with their politics, and shared an article regarding the issue on facebook. I started the conversation, so I should have been able to handle what was coming. Today I was not. Today it hit a nerve.

I was raised with two parents who are hardworking people, and there was never a doubt in my mind I would be the same. That was who I saw myself as, those are values that I took to heart. For many years, I worked and studied. Double shifts, several jobs, school on the side. After working the graveyeardshift, I got a sleeping disorder. I am a huge believer in that the body will heal itself, given time, so I continued as normal. I did my yoga and meditation for rest, but sleep never came.

The equation is simple, I see that now:
120 %work x 4-5 hours of poors sleepx 365 days x 7 years = exhaustion

I got help. I am thankful for that. Meds that make me sleep. And you would think that would solve the issue, right? Well, I did. I did not take into account that there were other, underlying diseases that complicates things.

For a long time, I neglected to see those signs of exhaustion. My will was stronger than my body, for years. Until it was not. One day I was unable to get out of bed. My life changed that day. I changed that day. How was I supposed to look at myself now? If I am not that person with those capabilities, who am I then?

That was a huge slap to my feeling of identity. I grieved. I grieved the loss of myself as I used to know myself. I have been lucky that my parents also gave me a sense of security, I generally like myself as a person, and if I do wrong, I have the ability to forgive myself. I have times when I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! Then I have to look in the mirror. Because in so many ways I am lucky, and I can find joy in the the little things now. I can not have the same plans for the future that I used to have. Such is life. What we do know about life, is that it never stays the same. Change is inevitable.

Today I got another slap in the face.

I had become too certain that I had come to terms with my life changing, and for now just being able to work half time, and get supported by the national plan (NAV). But seeing comments from others on Facebook, also from friends, saying that it is good that the government should make it more difficult for those leeches that are not entitled to support. I am aware that the comment was not for me personally. But, personally, I let myself feel hurt and vulnerable. Because I saw so clearly, how other people might look at me (and others in the same situation, of course).

Me: a leech.

Perhaps that is what people see. When I smile at my blog pictures with my designer bags, thinking that the government paid for them. The truth is that it has been paid for with hard work in the past, gifts from loved ones, and priorities. I do not have energy to go out much, have other hobbies, my húbby and I hardly ever eat out and we live in a very small appartment. My life, personally and professionally, is so full of seriousness, I need my blog to be somewhat superficial, I need the uncomplicated joy of new shoes.

I need a counterforce to all the seriouness of life.

It is not really about the money. It is about how we all jump to conclusions when it comes to other people. Have your opinions on politics, it is ok to disagree, but never forget that people are not what you see on the outside. Even when we know someone, we only know bits and pieces of another human being’s story, and we do not fully know how it is to be in their shoes.

I was fragile today. It is OK. It will pass. And, it might happen again. I will find back to my own secure sense of self. I am ok just the way I am. And, so are YOU!
And, I am only just a person, who feel my own pain at times.

Life is full of emotions. I try to embrace them all. It will take all of my life to learn that:-)

Love, S

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