I am fragile today. I take to heart what other people might think of me.
That is something I try to work on every day, to not make that influence me, because it does not serve me well. I do want to listen to others opinions, but I do not want to accommodate those opinions to a point where I stop being who I am, and stop being happy about who I am.
There are ongoing dicussions here about politics and that it might be, and should, be harder to live on disability benefits. The new government’s argument is that it might encourage people to work more, and discourage the ones who are really not entitled to disability benefits.
I strongly disagree with their politics, and shared an article regarding the issue on facebook. I started the conversation, so I should have been able to handle what was coming. Today I was not. Today it hit a nerve.
I was raised with two parents who are hardworking people, and there was never a doubt in my mind I would be the same. That was who I saw myself as, those are values that I took to heart. For many years, I worked and studied. Double shifts, several jobs, school on the side. After working the graveyeardshift, I got a sleeping disorder. I am a huge believer in that the body will heal itself, given time, so I continued as normal. I did my yoga and meditation for rest, but sleep never came.
The equation is simple, I see that now:
120 %work x 4-5 hours of poors sleepx 365 days x 7 years = exhaustion
I got help. I am thankful for that. Meds that make me sleep. And you would think that would solve the issue, right? Well, I did. I did not take into account that there were other, underlying diseases that complicates things.
For a long time, I neglected to see those signs of exhaustion. My will was stronger than my body, for years. Until it was not. One day I was unable to get out of bed. My life changed that day. I changed that day. How was I supposed to look at myself now? If I am not that person with those capabilities, who am I then?
That was a huge slap to my feeling of identity. I grieved. I grieved the loss of myself as I used to know myself. I have been lucky that my parents also gave me a sense of security, I generally like myself as a person, and if I do wrong, I have the ability to forgive myself. I have times when I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! Then I have to look in the mirror. Because in so many ways I am lucky, and I can find joy in the the little things now. I can not have the same plans for the future that I used to have. Such is life. What we do know about life, is that it never stays the same. Change is inevitable.
Today I got another slap in the face.
I had become too certain that I had come to terms with my life changing, and for now just being able to work half time, and get supported by the national plan (NAV). But seeing comments from others on Facebook, also from friends, saying that it is good that the government should make it more difficult for those leeches that are not entitled to support. I am aware that the comment was not for me personally. But, personally, I let myself feel hurt and vulnerable. Because I saw so clearly, how other people might look at me (and others in the same situation, of course).
Me: a leech.
Perhaps that is what people see. When I smile at my blog pictures with my designer bags, thinking that the government paid for them. The truth is that it has been paid for with hard work in the past, gifts from loved ones, and priorities. I do not have energy to go out much, have other hobbies, my húbby and I hardly ever eat out and we live in a very small appartment. My life, personally and professionally, is so full of seriousness, I need my blog to be somewhat superficial, I need the uncomplicated joy of new shoes.
I need a counterforce to all the seriouness of life.
It is not really about the money. It is about how we all jump to conclusions when it comes to other people. Have your opinions on politics, it is ok to disagree, but never forget that people are not what you see on the outside. Even when we know someone, we only know bits and pieces of another human being’s story, and we do not fully know how it is to be in their shoes.
I was fragile today. It is OK. It will pass. And, it might happen again. I will find back to my own secure sense of self. I am ok just the way I am. And, so are YOU!
And, I am only just a person, who feel my own pain at times.
Life is full of emotions. I try to embrace them all. It will take all of my life to learn that:-)