She had tremendous capacity…and now she is gone..

Currently, I am working on how to manage my days, with the bodily and mental restrictions that I have (fatigue, problems concentrating,  etc). Some days I feel like my life has been taken away from me. The person I used to know, she is gone. I knew her as someone who had tremendous capacity, she did everything she set her heart out to do. I miss her. I miss her stamina, and her ability to go through with what she wants.

If I compare us, I am saddened. I still want to explore the world, to be capable, to work a lot, to study, to learn, to enjoy long nights up, to just jump on a bike and let it take me wherever the wheels will take me.

Now I do not, I hold myself back, because I have to measure every little part of my energy that I use, not to be broken the next day.  If I compare us, I will feel like I lost. Something. Everything.

Every day I try not to compare. It is a work that is continuous, a dance with my mind, where I want the thoughts full of encouragement to win. And some days, they do. They remind me how lucky I am to get ill in a country like this, where I am supported in the process, they remind me of what I have; a workplace I love that still wants me, a patient husband, caring friends and family. I can add so many things to this list today, because that is what I am filled with today.

Almost unnoticeably, the thoughts can start to wander; “I am not feeling great, perhaps this is going to be a tough day, for sure this will be a tough day, and also I have all these things I need to do, it will be too much, and all of them are tedious, again I have taken on too much than I can handle, and I just can not say no, what will people think of me, my life is like a prison….”

Do you recognize, not the exact thoughts, but the way that our mind can start that negative loop? And, what we think, we tend to believe.

Mindfulness is a way to start recognizing those negative loops, and perhaps stop them. When we stop a second, there is room to question these thoughts, and to fill that second with thoughts that can start a positive loop. 

“I am not feeling great, although, I tend to feel better once the day has started, and if not, I am entitled to rest a bit more when I get home, chores will just have to wait until I feel better, and the only one judging me for that is myself, and now I choose to let it go.”

Some people find themselves in positive loops a lot of the time, although most of us have parts of our lives where we have to keep on working to keep the loop positive, and not end up in the negative one. 

Perhaps take a second, think about something you found difficult, boring or challenging today, and notice which thoughts are there to influence your emotions, and perhaps next time, you can notice when they arrive, and let them have less influence on you. Be kind to yourself, we all do this. We are all human.

For my Norwegian readers, if you want to learn more: The books can be bought at BOKKILDEN (affiliate link/reklame)

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