To make sense of struggles…

Have you ever managed to live through great ordeals in life, with your head held fairly high, and then felt knocked down by trifles?

You may have wondered why you seem to manage certain struggles, while others, small in comparison, seem like Climbing the K2.

I do not have all the answers as to why, but I have some reflections.

When I have been through tough times in my life, like sudden losses, like temporary mental illness due to medication issues, like heartbreak and dealing with other people`s pain and even death through work, I think I have been able to deal with it because I have tried to make some sense of it.

It took a long time to make any kind of sense of my brother`s suicide, perhaps I have not quite done that, perhaps never will. But, what I have made sense of, is why he chose to not live with his pain. What I have made sense of, is that I should not live with the same kind of pain, so I have slowly worked myself through it. I have slowly allowed myself to rid of my bad conscience for not doing enough for him (although I know that I was always there for him, the bad consciousness will appear), because he would never have wanted me to hold onto that. He would have wanted me happy.

When I lost a baby during a truly difficult pregnancy, I am dealing with it by making sense of it, thinking that it was preparing me for next time, so my illness during pregnancy will be more bearable. It will be better next time. Hopefully there will be a next time.

I have waited years for my love, in uncertainty, because we have not known if we could make a life together. I have been patient, because it has made sense to fight for something that feels so full of love, so familiar, and love does not own anyone.

So it has blindsided me that I have a hard time dealing with everyday trifles, like household chores and who helps out with what. My head is spinning, thoughts take over that are not helpful. Thoughts that are, unfairly, full of judgments or disappointment. I have learnt not to take thoughts for granted, thoughts are only thoughts, and they an be changed. So why is it so hard, when I have change my viewpoint in matter much more complicated that this?

It must be because I make no sense of it. The everyday disagreements will not make me a better person, only a more annoyed one, my mind explains. I do not want to live in annoyance , I want to live in a state of wishing to give to the ones I love.

Perhaps to make sense of it, I must find that being patient about these trifles is what love is also about.

Perhaps I must make more of an effort to see what is offered me. Sometimes what is offered us, does not look  exactly like we imagined. Alter that visual, alter that expectation.

Perhaps the answer is always to give, and not to expect. We are afraid to give too much, that our goodwill will be abused. I am not saying that can not be true, in certain circumstances, but mostly, when you give, you will also reveice.

Human beings have an innate need to make sense of struggles we are going through. We are too vulnerable to fully comprehend the randomness of existence.  It is easier to bear the emotions of things we comprehend. And, what happens if you dig deeper? If, i fact, it has nothing to do with chores, but the deep need of being taken seriously or to be important enough. Even to feel overwhelmed by a feeling of expectations from others, all the “musts” and “have-to”s, to be trapped in a life full of meaningless little everyday activities.

Dig deep, and you might be surprised at what you find!

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