A blessing or a horror?

Many years ago, I started talking to a woman whom had lost her brother. I had recently lost my brother myself, so this came really close to heart. There were different circumstances, she had had time to prepare during her sister`s illness, but, of course, the loss was devastating. What astounded me, though, was when she said that in the midst of hear tears, she found a blessing, it was that nothing else really mattered. Nothing upset her anymore, because it were all trifles compared to what she had just endured. She was grieving, but also in piece with many other things in her life. 

I amazed me. Because for me, even the trifles became huge at that time, it felt unjust that I would have to face all of those also, in addition to my traumatic loss. For the first time in my life, I would get angry in traffic, I could get totally mindless over someone´s minor mistakes. I think it just became too overwhelming, my heart was full, I did not know how to deal with it all.

And here we are again. The loss of my brother will always be a grief that I carry with me, albeit different now. But I lost something else. ME!

After getting sick, I do not recognize my life anymore, I do not have the freedom of choice like I did, I can not even decide on making appointments certain days, because I might not be physically able. I can not work as much as I did, and my social life hurts from it. All the things I used to enjoy, like education and traveling, has been put on a hold. No, I am not dying. Although, sometimes it seems like the old Sonja is gone. I have grieved over her, but I think not the grieving is over. I think it has changed to something that resembles that anger over trivia. I am angry about the unfairness! I know I am lucky in many ways, oh, for sure. It can not even begin to compare to someone losing their child in cancer or the refugee crisis we see all around us. But, for me, I live with myself every day, and this arises at times. My heart is still full; full of sadness for the dreams that can no longer be pursued, full of anger for every little thing that I need to do that is taking away from my energy, and thus feels (childishly) unfair.

Have you ever felt entitled to be angry at your other half for something that is totally not their fault? Have you ever stopped, turned to the mirror and start to look carefully, and found a whole can of your own worms, as reasons for the anger? And your other half just happened to live with you in all your craziness?

I want to find my serene self again. And I do. Particularly in moments of yoga and mindfulness. I am remembering that woman, and just the thought of her spirit lifts me. I will let myself grieve. I will let mindfulness work on me, and hopefully, hopefully, I will see most things as a minor trivia…..

Sometimes our reactions can be a blessing, when we dare to open that can of worms, let ourselves grieve or be angry over everything that we have stored inside. A good cry can for me be a real catharsis, a way of opening up for contentment. 

Embrace your emotions, accept them. Do not push them away, they will come back stronger. Open that can of worm. React. In a safe place. Let acceptance work it´s wonder.

Love, S


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