Today is my last day in the 30s….
I have always thought of age as only a number, and 40 is no different. But, this winter I got sciatic (nerve pain often related to older age, but not always), I recently learned I need reading glasses, and all of a sudden half of my hair fell off (that is the reason for my knew lob (long bob), and a emergency trip to my fab hairstylist Iris. We laughed a lot about this. It seems like life want to put me in a middle life crisis 🙂 🙂 🙂
From joke to seriousness, though, I have felt old for a few years now. It may sound strange, but ever since many years of sleep deprivations, ans the cognitive problems and fatigue as a result, I have in many ways been deprived of my life. For a long time, all I could do was to work a few hours, go home, rest, and hope that the next day will come and be better. The discrepancy of who I used to be, and who I am now, is enormous. I used to be someone who worked a lot, studied, had a social life and hobbies, also despite my health issues for the past 10 years. Then, all of a sudden, my life was limited to hardly anything. That is what it felt like anyway, and it really did a number on my lust for life, on my happy self.
I am slowly trying to be ok with the fact that I am not myself anymore, and may never be. Others can not see it, only the ones close to me, others will not see me on my worst days. And, I am good at pretending. I do it for myself, not for others. I just want to be me. I feel like me when I post on the blog, for instance.
Recently, it seems like it can be a permanent situation for me to work reduced. It is what I need…but not what I want. I am relieved, but also grieving. Crying. For the loss of whom I used to be. For the life I wanted for myself.
And, I am slowly finding a better life again. I smile more, I laugh more, I can see some of my dreams actually happening now, even though they may be more of an ordeal than before.
Life is always changing…sometimes it is hard to catch up.
Someone once told me that I have been through a lot, but somehow I always end up on my feet, like a cat…..
So even though some of the 9 lives are already used, this cat is fierce 🙂